The Department of Mary Sues, Bleach Division
by AgentSerra
Summary: Agents Kana and Cerrin have one mission- protect the canon of Bleach from Mary Sues. It's not that easy, as you will find out.
1. Chapter 1

Mission 1: Flames, Wind and a Struggling Student

Kana leaned back in her chair, observing the drunk, giggling redhead on the other side of the room.

"It was so awesome." Cerrin said, and then giggled. "The Sue blew up! Sparklies everywhere! I wanna do it again and again and again and again-"

"Stop saying that or I will kill you." Kana growled. Cerrin's initiation had been only a few hours earlier, but they were already back at work., and Cerrin was a little worse for wear after that very ill advised keg stand. Cerrin giggled and laid back down on the floor.

"I love the floor." She cooed, nuzzling the carpet.

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Kana got up, thankful for a distraction from her extremely temulent colleague, and went to the console. The mission seemed fairly standard, a Sue going to the academy, she was a prodigy... hang on.

"I can't believe it!"

"I know, the carpet's so warm!" Kana ignored Cerrin's comment and carried on reading the list.

"The Sue is called Kana." Kana glared at the console. "That's it, I get to kill her. No questions."

"Can I have a little lie down first?" Cerrin asked.

"You're already lying down, idiot." Kana walked over the mini fridge, opened the door and took out a small bottle of Purple Stuff. "Sit up." Cerrin did as she was told, albeit very slowly and in a very wobbly fashion. Kana handed her the bottle. "Drink it."

"S'it Ribena?" Cerrin inquired.

"Yes, it's Ribena, now drink it."

"But I don't like Ribena." Kana grabbed the back of Cerrin's hair, tipped her head back, snatched the bottle off her with her other hand and poured the liquid into Cerrin's mouth. Cerrin swallowed it, and coughed.

"Ew, that stuff's not Ribena!" Cerrin yelled, gagging. "What is it?"

"Purple Stuff. It cures drunkenness brought on by Pink Stuff. Thankfully for me, you insisted on only drinking Pink Stuff because you like the colour. Otherwise I'd probably be dragging you on the mission drunk, or take Trip. Actually, I think you drunk would be better than that crazy midget." She left the bottle on her desk. "Get yourself a sword from the rack on the wall and I'll set the generator."

"Wow, I don't feel drunk anymore!" Cerrin jumped up, perfectly balanced. "Woo!" She walked over to the rack and picked up a katana. "It's heavy."

"Don't worry about that, you won't need to use it. It's just for show." Cerrin held it with both hands and tried swinging it a few times. "I've set the generator. We're going to be students at the Shinigami Academy. Remember to stay out of sight of the Sue and any non-canons, because they can see you."

"I know, we covered all that."

"Just checking. Also, if you refer to the Sue as 'Kana' at any point, I shall stab you."

"Got it!" Cerrin smiled nervously. Kana made sure she had everything she needed; her CAD, her neuralyser, her notebook and pen, and of course her zanpakuto, which was tucked into her belt on her right side. She rarely went around without her zanpakuto, since communication with it was vital to using it. She pressed a button on the console and a portal opened. "Come on, we have to hurry." They stepped through the portal. Cerrin felt her disguise forming around her, and when she stepped out she was dressed in a Shinigami student's uniform. Before she could look around, she felt nauseous and dizzy.

"Uhh, I don't think that Purple Stuff worked." She groaned, clutching her stomach.

"It did." Kana told her. "We're in a flashback." She said. "The Sue's remembering being abused by some random people. Who they are isn't specified." She groaned. "I hate these things."

"Who's talking to her now?"

"I have no idea, but apparently they sound canine and feline." The voices speaking to the Sue were barking and meowing, somehow making comprehensible words. "Ah, she's waking up." The scene shifted to a Generic Street in Rukongai. "Thank goodness, it's over." Kana sighed.

"Ahh." Cerrin said. "Much better." She put the sword in her belt.

"They're saying that she wasn't meant to end up in the Eightieth District because she was a little girl? They don't decide who goes where by what they are, you're given a ticket in order of death and that's that. There's no selection process. Employing melodramatics already, tut tut." Kana pulled her notepad out of her sleeve and wrote that down.

Random generic people were standing around, talking to the half-conscious girl.

"_We found you among the ruble after a severe Hollow attacked." _One of them said.

"Apparently, she was found under some Russian currency after being attacked by a severe Hollow. I wonder what a severe Hollow looks like?" Kana wondered aloud. "Let's skip ahead a little, none of this is really that important, to the story or anything else."

"Why do so many Sues have tragic back stories?" Cerrin asked.

"They think it makes readers sympathetic."

"But it really just makes them feel sick!" Cerrin laughed.

"You're catching on quickly." The words flew around them as they skipped to the next part and watched the Sue describe herself.

_My messy, collar-bone length, platinum blonde hair blew behind me, the wind playing with my strands. Perched on my shoulder, my little fox, Riku, took in the sight before me. I questioned her, and she replied that a setting sun was almost as beautiful as the moon. I sighed quietly. How she could love a ball of fire and a glowing dish in the sky I would never understand. I'd seen the moon once before, but that was a very long time ago. I barely remember the glowing orb._

Kana and Cerrin hid behind a building and watched as the Sue's hair detached itself from her head and blew around behind her.

"Yes, we know, you're blind, angst away." Kana muttered, and took her notepad and pen out of her sleeve so she could start writing the charge list. "

"Can we put 'ripping off Tosen'?" Cerrin asked. "I guess other Shinigami could be blind, but I don't think it's common."

"Done. I also added 'having a Cute Animal Friend, which is also a non-canonical animal', and 'having an overly tragic, wangsty back story'." The Sue continued to think her past for a while, and then returned to her home. The scene changed and the two of them were forcibly pulled forward. The place was the same, but the time was different. Apparently, but the writer had forgotten to specify the time of day, so for all intents and purposes it was morning. The Sue walked away, and the two of them followed. Dressed as Shinigami Academy students, there would little reason for the spirit fox to be suspicious. So they could just follow and pretend to be regular students.

_Remembering my brother, Takai, led me to remember the reason I was becoming a shinigami in the first place. Guilt raged through my body, just remembering I was the cause of the damage not only to my Obaa-chan, but to my neighbors as well. They won't even come around anymore. Personally, I don't see the problem. I don't know how the other kids got hurt. Fire's rarely hurt me_.

"Oh dear, she's ripping off Hitsugaya's back story..." Kana said, and then wrote it down. "Wait, her full name is Kanami Kimura?"

"She even has a similar name to Tosen!" Cerrin remarked.

"I don't think that's really a charge, but I'll put it down anyway." Kana and Cerrin then pretended to chat while the Sue let her spirit fox read her schedule.

"Foxes can read?" Cerrin glanced over.

"Of course it can. It's 'speshul'." Kana sighed and grabbed a random class schedule off the guy handing them out. He didn't mind, he seemed to be unaware of anything going on around him. Cerrin did the same. They followed the Sue to the Generic Dormitories, keeping an eye out for any other non-canons so they could keep track of them. Another student walked over to the Sue.

"_Hey! I'm Ootami Ryuusuke! What's your name? I tried to talk to you before, but you just disappeared," said the hyper active and overly chipper soul._

"Strange, he doesn't act or sound hyper at all. He sounds like a regular guy." Cerrin stated.

"Suethors are terrible at writing dialogue." Kana said, pretending to read her schedule. "Or perhaps this Sue is so crabby she thinks anyone who talks to her is hyperactive. Check him with the CAD." Cerrin hid the CAD behind her schedule and checked the display.

Ryuusuke Ootami. Non canon. Shinigami student. Male.

"Ah, a bit character. He seems to be the character who's supposed to be the annoying rival slash love interest to the Sue. Because they're always the same person." Kana observed their conversation. "A Sue who claims to understand sarcasm. I love unintentional humour."

"Seems to me, he's actually being sarcastic to her but she doesn't get it." Cerrin put away her CAD, and winced as the Sue grabbed Ryuusuke and threw him to the floor. "Ouch, she just flipped him."

"I'm going to add 'unnecessary violence' to the list." Kana sighed and wrote it down. "Ignore him, he'll be fine. Follow the Sue." They trotted after her, pretending to be lost. The Sue stopped to talk to a woman. "Quick, pretend to be having a conversation with me."

"Do you like pie?"

"Keep it mission related, please."

"I'm just asking so I can pack food for the next mission. Do you like pie?"

"Yes, I like pie. Now pay attention to the Sue."

"I knew you liked pie! Everyone loves pie."

"Shut. Up." Cerrin shut up. "According to that teacher, the guy the Sue just flipped is a noble."

"Shouldn't she be in trouble for that?"

"Apparently she's being let off. No, she's being congratulated for it. Not that we can blame the poor woman, she's under the influence of a Sue. We can just leave her, I doubt she's going to give us any trouble." They watched as the teacher gave the Sue a warning about a strict weapons teacher and then showed her the way to the dormitory. The Sue left, and then the teacher's expression went blank and she wandered off aimlessly.

"Is she ok?"

"Most non canons tend be zombie-like without a Sue around. Unless they have a personality of their own, and that teacher is just a random exposition character."

The words shifted to show an 'amusing' skit with the author begging for reviews, and Hitsugaya saying she couldn't write.

"I hate it when they borrow the canons and make them do those skits." Kana smacked herself on the forehead with her schedule. The author's notes and disclaimer passed, then the story began again. The Sue entered her Generic Dormitory ("I don't think the Academy would have solid wood doors," Cerrin whispered), and the two of them stayed in the corridor and listened as the Sue met her room mates.

"_Yay! More friends! This is so much fun! What's you're name? I'm Aiko, but you can call me Ai-chan, can I call you chan too? How do you like the academy so far? I think the room's a little stuffy, but with a little bit of work we can have it shinny and clean!" Her bubbly voice was like sandpaper to my ears._

"_Ai-chan, t-that's not n-nice. I t-t-think she'd p-prefer it if y-you didn't jump a-all over her... The second one sounded petite and quiet, like she didn't speak often._

"More bit characters? Oh how wonderful." Kana remarked. "And they have incredibly generic personalities to boot." The hyper OC, Aiko, had grabbed the Sue, knocked her to the floor and was now asking her to play pranks. The Sue grabbed Aiko buy her collar and tried to lift her up.

"Er, how can you lift someone like that while being hugged, and being flat on the floor?" Cerrin stared at the strange spectacle.

"I don't know, but she's doing it." Kana wrote down 'breaking the laws of anatomy and physics' to the list. The nervous OC, Haruhi, introduced herself and asked the Sue if they were in the same class.

"This dorm's a bit small." Cerrin stated. "You'd think that there's probably hundreds of students, they'd have more to a dorm."

"And better matched personalities too. Don't expect that kind of logic from a Suethor. In fact, don't expect any kind of logic at all." Kana whispered. "Let's skip ahead to the next part, this is dragging on and we have enough charges yet." Kana set the portal generator and they moved forward, the Words flowing around them. They ended up in a Generic Classroom, and got seats in the row behind the Sue.

"_Kana-chan!"_ Kana almost turned around, but realised it was someone calling to the Sue. It was Ryuusuke, the OC who had been thrown to the ground by the Sue earlier. He sat next to her. The Sue punched him in the head and he pretended to be upset. Cerrin giggled and Kana smiled.

"I love it when the OCs annoy the Sues." Kana said, and laughed quietly. Another OC came over, and Cerrin quickly scanned him with the CAD.

Keiichi Yagami. Non canon, Shinigami student, male.

"They're popping up like weeds." Kana sighed. Cerrin put the CAD away quickly. Keiichi sat next to the Sue, and Ryuusuke sat in the row behind the Sue... right next to them. "Crap." Kana muttered. Ryuusuke didn't have time to talk to them, thankfully, as the teacher came into the room and started talking to the students.

"Shouldn't they have like an entry ceremony or something?" Cerrin whispered.

"I believe that they have a special class or a seminar of some kind, according to one of the extra chapters of the manga," Kana whispered back. 'But she seems to have missed it out." The Sue tried to stare out the window, seemingly to make a point about being blind again. "We get it already, please." Kana rested her chin on her hand and pretended to be listening to the teacher. After the Sue had a pointless conversation with Keiichi about her spirit fox, Kana set the generator ahead to the weapons class, jumping past the pointless stuff in-between.

"Do we need to be in the class?"

"We can just watch the Sue get beaten up."

"Wait, shouldn't she just win all the fights because she's a Sue?"

"I think she's just trying to gain sympathy." They grabbed two wooden swords from the rack and joined the rest of the zombie-like students in combat practice. "Don't attract too much attention. Watch the Sue."

After the class was over, the Sue went to have a bath. Kana sighed.

"This seems to go on forever." Kana said. "We haven't got enough charges, and I'm not sure I can take much more of this banality."

"I know." Cerrin leant against the generic wall.

"I do recall from the mission description that in sixth chapter, they go to the real world on a field trip and get attacked by some Hollows."

"Kana, is she doing what I think she's doing?" Cerrin asked, even though she knew the answer.

"Why yes, she is. Shall we skip ahead and observe?"

"Lets." The words flew around them as the story advanced, skipping to the sixth chapter, about halfway through the chapter. "Ohh, I'm going to be sick."

"It serves you right for drinking so much. Purple Stuff can only do so much." Kana chided her, even though she felt nauseous herself. Portalling and other temporal activities made you feel ill, whether you were drunk or not. Most people got used to it after a while.

_One week later._

_Our 'Field Trip'._

_Joy._

"Come on Sue, don't be like that." Kana whispered. "You're going to love being a hero later."

"Hey, where are all the teachers?" Cerrin looked around. There were only students.

"Apparently a tenth year student is taking charge." Kana answered. "He must be really stupid to have been held back so much, seeing as it's a six year course." The Sue was lamenting her apparently bad fortune at the group she was in. "There are other subjects besides sword fighting and kido." Kana shook her head. "We need to be in groups of three, pick a random student to follow us around, and for the PPC's sake don't say to anything to them." Cerrin dragged a male student over to them, saying they were in the same group and smiling. He didn't really protest much, in fact he didn't do much at all. Kana continued listening to the Sue as she formulated a plan of some kind with her team mates, two boys. One was the guy named Keiichi from earlier, and other was called Shino. "Wait, are they making a hollow attack plan?"

"First years hunting hollows on a field trip?" Cerrin looked shocked. "What, do they do that?"

"Of course not, you dummy, first years wouldn't have the knowledge, experience or power to kill a hollow. I doubt any of the students, aside from the best of the upper years students, would take on hollows. Of course a Suethor wouldn't think like that." Kana added 'implausible training exercise' to the list.

"Strategist my ass. Her plan sucks." Cerrin remarked.

"You're right; I doubt a first year's binding spell would hold a Hollow. And I doubt destructive spells would do much either, but she is a Sue, remember."

"Uh huh." Cerrin dragged the male student that they were dragging around with them and they went to find a vantage point. "Can I name him?"

"Cerrin, you cannot adopt random non-canons."

"Aw, but he's cute. And squishy. I shall call him Squishy! Come on Squishy, let's kill some Sue!" She laughed and dragged the poor guy by his arm as they followed the Sue. Kana shook her head and made a mental note to beat Cerrin round the head when they got back to Headquarters. They followed the other students through the world gate, Kana holding on to Cerrin, making sure she didn't end up wandering off. Everyone had been assigned older students to their groups but the one they had was as zombie-like as the rest of the non-canons around them. The Sue complained a bit, then the teacher gave them instructions.

"_Everyone, listen up! There are over two-hundred false hollows spread among five square miles. Find them, and defeat as many as you can __with your teams__ within two hours. IF you 'die', you and your team will be brought back here by your upperclassman. 10 hollows is a C, 15 a B and more than 20 a A. Understood?"_

"Oh, they are dummy hollows after all. It was just not said earlier." Kana sighed.

_All too soon, our upperclassman ushered us into our assigned area. A voice on a loudspeaker resonated throughout the area._

"_BEGIN!"_

"Just do as I say and let me fight any dummies." Kana said.

"Yes ma'am!" Cerrin did a mock salute and drew her sword. "I'll just pretend I'm doing something."

"Oh dear." Kana watched as the Sue used a destructive spell on a dummy hollow. "She just performed a level fifty-four spell with no incantation. Well, that's definitely a charge." The Sue's group destroyed dummies for a while, and then a very predictable plot twist happened and some real hollows appeared. "Oh my." Kana said a deadpan tone. "I absolutely did not see that coming. Why, it's just like being in the anime, when those hollows attacked Abarai's group. However did she come up with that idea?"

"Stupid Sue."

"I know. While it's tempting to knock her out and let them eat her, we have to charge her first. Watch, take notes, then skip ahead. I believe that next chapter, two captains visit her in the hospital and fuss over her."

"Ohh. I think I feel sick again, and it's not the alcohol or the portalling." Cerrin said, groaning.

"I know dear. You get used to it. Now run, the hollows are coming after us and they can see us!" Cerrin squeaked and ran, and Kana followed. Cerrin quickly ran back to drag 'Squishy' with them, and ran forward again. "Leave him!"

"Aw." Cerrin let go of him.

"He's a soulless random character. If he survives, he could integrate into canon, but his best use right now is as our meatshield. Come on!" They joined the small group who had gathered to hide, who were conveniently all the named students. No unnamed ones had escaped.

"Now what?" Cerrin whispered. They were very close to the Sue, but she didn't seem to take any notice. After all, they'd been in her class, there was no need for her to be suspicious of them.

"It looks like the tenth year is going to try to be a hero." Kana whispered. "I was right, he is dumb." They watched as the dumb one and an even dumber one tried to fight the Hollows, thus alerting them to the students' presence. The Sue borrowed a sword off one of her classmates and stood in front of the Hollow (which, in another rip off from the manga and anime, was a Huge Hollow) and got eviscerated. No, of course she didn't, there was no such luck. She dodged its attack, slashed it on the arm and got knocked into a building.

"Heh." Cerrin laughed. "I hope that really hurt."

"If blood was pooling in her lungs, she'd be coughing it up. And that attack would probably have broken something. Ah, Sue logic." Kana groaned again as the Sue did another kido spell- high level, no incantation. "Raikohou does not mean 'Lightning Tiger Cannon', it translates as 'Thunder Roar Cannon'. There's no tiger in there! And stop doing them without any incantations, you're a first year... oh, she's going to die." The Hollow smacked the Sue again, giving the two of them something to laugh about. It swiped her off a cliff, triggering a very trippy zanpakuto discovering scene.

"_Breath, Arashi no Yuuwakusha! Burn, Yougan no Saisei!"_

"She has a dual zanpakuto," Kana stated, seething with rage, "and they have different names! Strange ones too. 'Storm's Courageous Frame Inn'? Or 'Red Death's Braided Excited Copy'? What are those even meant to be translated as? I say we can kill her just for that, there are only two dual zanpakuto in Soul Society, and she doesn't have one of them." The Sue was somehow teleported back on top of the cliff ("I hope she means shunpo" Kana said, then sighed exasperatedly) and killed the Hollow with her shikai ability, which seemed to be burning things with a lot of fire. Then she fainted.

"The chapter's over, just the author's note to go and a bit of the next chapter until we hit a really big canon violation." Cerrin smiled. "I'm looking forward to it.

"A little more to endure, then we can kill her." Kana handed Cerrin her notebook as the words of the inane author's note swirled past. "You take down the charges, I'm going to take to take care of the Sue. No Sue is allowed to share my name and get away with it." The scene shifted, and they were in a generic hospital room. The Sue was only semi conscious, so they hid behind a generic screen and waited. Several non-canons tried to come into the room and they were made to leave by a nurse.

"_Oh my! She's awake!"_

"_Quick! Get the captains!"_

"_Kana!"_

"How the hell is getting the captains going to help her?"

"Erm... Captain Unohana might be healing her?"

"I really doubt that they'd get her to heal an injured student when are many in Fourth Company who are perfectly capable of taking care of her. Oh wait, it's a Sue. Never mind."

"She's yelling at everyone as usual." Cerrin whispered. "Shouldn't she be glad to be alive?"

"Well, she hasn't shown any gratitude to anyone in this fic so far, so I doubt she'll start now." Kana drew her zanpakuto very quietly. "We wait for the best moment to strike. She's injured, so she won't be able to fight back." One of the non-canons entered the room. It was Ryuusuke.

"I feel sorry for him." Cerrin whispered as he started crying. "He's been nice to her and she's made him into her whipping boy."

"We can't take him back I'm afraid, but he'll probably assimilate into the canon nicely once she's dead." The scene changed as the Sue fell unconscious, and Ryuusuke left. They were still in the same room, but two more people were in there.

"_Quite the funny one, ne, Juu-chan?"_

"_Shunsui. . ."_

_The voices were quiet, gentle, aware of the charge sleeping in front of them._

"Kyoraku would not call him that in public." Kana whispered, shaking her head. She made sure the CAD was muted before pointing it at them.

[Jushiro Ukitake. Shinigami. Male. Canon OOC 20.3

[Shunsui Kyoraku. Shinigami. Male. Canon OOC 35

"Stupid fangirls." Cerrin added. "And look, the Cute Animal Friend is back."

"I can take care of them all. Finish the charge list, it's nearly time." They listened to the Sue explain things for a long time, bored stiff, but not wanting to start attacking while two of the most powerful captains were in the room. Kana waited, holding the hilt of her zanpakuto tightly. The two captains fussed over her, and making canon characters behave like her personal nurses slash carers was added the list. When they left, the scene changed again. This time, the room was full of all the non-canon characters that the Suethor had added. Kana steeped out from behind the screen and held up her zanpakuto. "Cerrin, the list!" Cerrin stepped out from behind the screen with the notebook.

"Hey, aren't you two in our class?" Ryuusuke asked.

"W-w-what are y-you doing with y-your z-z-zanpakuto?" Haruhi whimpered. Poor non canons. Unfortunately, it seemed like they might have to kill them all after all. Cerrin began to read the list.

"Kanami Kimura-"

"It's Kana!" The Sue yelled at them. "Who the hell are you?" All the non-canons seemed to be a bit too surprised to do anything. Riku growled and stood protectively at the end of the bed.

"No, **I'm **Kana" Kana pointed her sword at the Sue. "You're an insult to my name and to my senses. Cerrin, keep reading."

"Kanami Kimura, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, ripping off Tosen, ripping off Hitsugaya's back story, creating annoying non-canons, having a Cute Animal Friend that is also of a non canonical species, using unnecessary violence, breaking the laws of physics and anatomy, being a bitch, performing kido perfectly even though you've never done it before, performing high level kido without incantation, having a dual zanpakuto with absolutely incomprehensible names, creating a dangerous situation just to show off, being powerful enough to defeat a Huge Hollow with no experience whatsoever, ripping off canon events to suit yourself, raping canon, making canon characters act out of character, sharing a name with a PPC agent and annoying PPC agents. I'll let Kana do the honours." Cerrin smiled and took a few good long steps back. Kana smiled.

"Thank you." She said. "Collect, Hitsujinomure!" Her zanpakuto changed shape, it now resembled a wooden shepherd's crook with a red string and two silver bells tied to it, just below where it started to curve. The non-canons all drew their zanpakuto and readied to fight her. "Kaimin!" She twirled her crook around. Purple clouds of gas started to form, spewing from the tip of Hitsujinomure, forming into several little clouds and then forming into the shapes of sheep. Everyone stared at the sheep clouds, bewildered. Everyone except the Sue of course.

"What the hell are they doing?" the Sue asked. The gaseous sheep became solid, floated in the air for a moment, then burst into huge showers of dust.

"Goodnight." Kana said as the dust landed on them. They started to run at her, but as they did they all fell asleep and collapsed on the floor.

"Sleeping dust? I thought you were going to kill her?"

"I am, but not with this."

"I thought it was poison gas."

"Then you would be dead too, idiot. Gas disperses." Kana sealed her zanpakuto and put it back in its sheath. She handed Cerrin her neuralyser and a pair of sunglasses. "Kill the animal, preferably very quickly, and wait for the non-canons to wake up. They should all wake up soon, when they do you have to erase their memories. Put the sunglasses on before you use that thing though, it's dangerous if you're not careful." Kana grabbed the Sue, picked her up, carried her over to the window and threw her out of it. "Damn, we're only on the second floor. I wish Fourth Division had more floors." The landing had woken the Sue up, she was screaming in pain. Determined to relieve her of her pain, Kana jumped out of the window, landed next her and drew her sword.

"Why are you doing this?" The Sue asked, coughing up blood.

"It's my job. All offence meant." Kana said, before stabbing the Sue straight in the throat.

----

"I'm so glad that's over." Kana said as the Sue's corpse sank into the grey, ravenous matter that made up the dangai, and the spirit fox's corpse followed. A good way to dispose of bodies, since anything caught in it was absorbed and lost forever.

"I erased everyone's memories like you said and told them they were all ordinary students. I can't wait for my next mission, that was fun!" Cerrin whooped, giggling.

"Are you serious?" Kana stared at Cerrin. "You're a very special kind of crazy."

"Is that good?"

"It may just be. Let's get back, I need to erase the memory of Kana from my mind with some Bleepka."

"I thought you said no one should mention Kana's name-"

"Do you want me to stab you?"


	2. Chapter 2 Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Bleach is owned by Tite Kubo. I do not own the concept of the PPC, it was created by Jay and Acacia. Kana, Cerrin and Trip are my original characters.

Legal: I can use any story written by you under -Fair Use and Parody-. Besides, fanfiction is technically illegal, since you are infringing copyright, so you do not have a legal leg to stand on if you complain about me using yours or anyone else's fanfiction.

Mission Two, Part One: The Late Blooming Bellflower

"Good morning." Kana said as she walked into her response centre. The young man who was lounging on the sofa didn't even look up as she walked past him. "And get out of my office before I forcibly remove you."

"I haven't got anywhere else to go." He said, and glared at her. "Cerrin said I could stay here."

"Cerrin's a soft-hearted idiot. How she puts up with you I'll never know. Go back to your own response centre, Trip."

"I'm not going back there." Trip said and shook his head. "That girl is weird! She never talks at all."

"She's your partner, you shouldn't talk about her like that behind her back. And besides, she's probably just ignoring you. Now get out." Trip glared at her, but got up anyway. "And give back that bottle of bleepka. You know you're too young to drink it."

"Screw you, Miss Mom." He muttered, pulled out the bottle of bleepka from inside his jacket and shoved it into her hands. "Tell Cerrin I'll be back later."

"Of course." She shut the door the second he left. A few seconds later it was opened by a confused looking Cerrin.

"Hey, why's he leaving? I thought he had nowhere else to go."

"He has a response centre now." Kana told her.

"Oh, that's great!" Cerrin chirped.

"Indeed it is." Kana walked over to the fridge, opened it and placed the bottle of bleepka back inside it. Cerrin sat down on the sofa and sighed.

"It's been really quiet recently."

"Perhaps the number of Sues in the Bleach fandom has decreased." Kana said and closed the fridge door.

"Maybe we can have a holiday-"

[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

"Maybe not." Kana groaned. "I'll see what it is." She walked over to the console and read the screen. "A Mary Sue. The Sue's name is Yuka Takashiro. According to her back story, she's from one of the four main noble families, she makes Byakuya Kuchiki fall in love with her," Kana stopped while Cerrin mimed retching "...if you're finished, I'll continue." Cerrin nodded. "She's also rude, disrespectful and powerful enough to knock out Kenpachi with her shikai. She also becomes a captain and can fight on a par with Aizen."

"That's not good for us." Cerrin sighed. "Can we kill someone like that?"

"It's going to be difficult. We'll have to be very careful and plan our attack strategically. Get your CAD and your katana and we'll set off." Kana rested her hand on the hilt of her zanpakuto and pressed a button on the console. "Oh, wait a moment. I have to set your disguise." Kana pressed a button on the console. The disguises came up on the screen. She selected the shihakusho and then pressed another button. "Have you gotten any better with your katana?" She asked Cerrin.

"Yes! I can swing it without falling over!" Cerrin grinned and swung her katana around, demonstrating her now impeccable sense of balance. Her aim still needed a lot of work though and she made a huge scratch in the wall. "Oops."

"Just don't try to fight with it." Kana sighed and pressed another button. A blue doorway of light appeared in the middle of the room. She picked up her remote activator and picked up a small canvas bag from next to the console.

"Can I kill the Sue this time?" Cerrin asked as they walked towards the portal.

"No."

"Aw, but…"

"You can barely swing that katana; I'm not going to entrust you with an important job."

"Meanie."

"Shut up." Kana shoved Cerrin through the portal and then followed after her.

They landed right outside Sixth Company's barracks, where an unusual looking girl was walking towards the captain's office with a bundle of papers in her arms. They quickly hid behind some Generic Shrubbery and watched her. Cerrin smoothed down her newly formed shinigami uniform and sighed.

"You didn't have to push me."

"It seemed like the most effective course of action." Kana said. "Point your CAD at that girl; I have a feeling that she's our Sue." Cerrin peered over the top of the shrubbery and pointed the CAD at the girl.

[Yuka Takashiro. Non-canon. Shinigami female. Mary-Sue.

"She's our girl." Cerrin nodded as she crouched back down.

'_Yuka Takashiro was a small, young, slim girl with long black tousled hair with half of it tied back. There was also a small black tattoo like thing under her left eye (you'll soon know what it's for) and has a gigantic soul slayer (like Ichigo's) tied to her back. Her skin is pale and has grey eyes.'_

"She was? Well, if that was the case then we wouldn't be here, would we?" Kana asked no one in particular.

"Ugh, I hate it when they mess up their tenses." Cerrin groaned. "And that sword looks too heavy for her."

"It should be, but remember, she's a Sue." The Sue entered the office, which gave the two of them a chance to move. They walked over to the office quietly and peered through the window.

'_She saw a tall man wearing a silk white scarf and head piece signing reports calmly at his desk'_

"That's phrased badly. It looks like Byakuya's wearing a white silk headpiece as well as his white silk scarf." Kana whispered. Cerrin giggled. They watched as Yuka dumped some papers on his desk. Byakuya looked up and glared at her.

"He seems in character so far..." Cerrin whispered, and pointed the CAD at him.

[Byakuya Kuchiki. Canon. Male shinigami. Out of Character 5.12

"It only goes downhill from here." Kana watched and listened. Yuka told Byakuya he was worthless at introductions, and then introduced herself.

"Wait, if she's supposed to be from one of the four noble families, wouldn't she know who he was?" Cerrin asked Kana.

"Even if she wasn't, Byakuya is quite famous in Soul Society. She'd know who he is, if she wasn't a Sue. They're quite lacking in logic, as you should have gathered by now." Byakuya finally introduced himself and the Sue replied with;

'_"Aha! The beak speaks!"'_

"What does that mean?" Cerrin asked.

"Microsoft Word's spellchecker changes Byakuya to beak, but I don't think this is the case." Kana replied. "I think she's just stupid." Renji walked past them and entered the office.

'"_Make that two presents in one day, aren't you lucky Mr Grumpy?" Yuka sang._

"_What did you call me?" Demanded Byakuya.'_

"That should be 'Byakuya demanded'. Whichever way you say it, he didn't demand anything. She should have written 'he demanded to know' or 'he asked'." Kana said. Cerrin added 'bad grammar' to the charge list.

"I can't believe she'd call him that." Cerrin remarked. "And she's still doing it!"

"I know! You can't speak to your superior officer like that! The Thirteen Guard Companies are a military organisation, not a playground!" Kana rattled on as she watched the Sue cheeking Byakuya. Cerrin wrote that down, along with 'misuse of punctuation'. They watched as Renji told the Sue off, and she just brushed him off, laughed and then left. He looked confused, which wasn't surprising given her attitude. Or perhaps it was the fact that his captain wasn't doing anything about it that confused him. Rukia popped up nearby, walking along the path and carrying a single cup of tea on a tray.

"Oh no, she's going to be friends with Rukia." Kana sighed.

"Rukia came all the way to Sixth Company's barracks to get tea? Don't they have it back at Thirteen Company?" Cerrin asked, and looked at Kana for an answer.

"My guess is that there was supposed to be a scene change, but the author forgot to write it properly." The Sue asked Rukia if Byakuya was her brother.

"You just met him, you know that he is. And if you know Rukia why don't you know her brother! They have the same last name… forget it. I'm expecting logic from a Sue." Kana sighed and massaged her temples with her fingers. "I wish I'd packed some Bleeprin now." Cerrin continued noting down the charges, and also wrote 'get Kana some Bleeprin' at the top of the page. The Sue and Rukia had a short conversation about Byakuya's late wife, Hisana, with Rukia staying mostly in character and not going into detail about Byakuya's personal life. Kana and Cerrin cheered silently, and watched the Sue run off. They got up and ran after her, making sure to keep a decent distance and not be caught in the open areas. They followed her through the Generic Streets all the way to Eleventh Company's barracks, where the Sue got jumped on by Yachiru.

'"_Oh, was that you, Yuka?" I heard a familiar voice behind me. I spun round with Yuka on my arm. It was Zaraki Kenpachi, and he had some killing intent in his eyes._

"_Yes, Captain?" Yuka piped up. He was basically the only captain she called 'captain' (besides Yamamoto) because she was in his squad after all.'_

"No, you call every captain 'captain'. If you were in the army in the real world and you didn't show respect to your leaders you'd end up cleaning the toilets with a toothbrush." Kana stated.

"Or doing push-ups in the mud." Cerrin added.

"Exactly."

"I would love to see a Sue doing that." Cerrin said with a gleeful smile on her face.

'"_I sensed a load of reiatsu (spelling?) coming from you… and I think I'd like to see it all in action…" Kenpachi drew his sword.'_

"He doesn't pick fights with everyone." Kana growled and slapped her palm to her forehead. "How much reiatsu does she have if **Kenpachi **can sense it?"

'"_Wait Captain, it's against the rules to-" Yuka gabbled as she sweat dropped.'_ A giant cardboard sweatdrop appeared above her head and fell to the ground. Cerrin wrote down 'using sight gags in prose' on the charge list. Kenpachi then charged at the Sue and swung his sword at her. She somehow blocked it with her own zanpakuto, and left the two agents agape.

"She just blocked Kenpachi!" Cerrin stared at the sight. "Unbelievable!"

"Impossible, more like." Kana snarled. "Write that down." Cerrin wrote it down hastily as the fight continued. The Sue, somehow still blocking Kenpachi's zanpakuto, released hers.

'"_Bring down 1000 souls to your mercy, Raiken!" (Phonetics?) (??)'_

"Unoriginal name, but not too awful, besides the fact that she's using a kido type weapon in Eleventh Company." Kana said. "Write that down, and make sure to note that she's also breaking the laws of Seireitei by releasing without the wartime order in effect."

"Got it, got it." Cerrin wrote it down quickly. "Er, you don't have to read the charges, do you Kana?" Kana looked at the notepad and the almost illegible scrawl covering the pages.

"You can read them." She sighed. Cerrin smiled and tucked the notebook into her robes. The Sue released a burst of electrical energy from her zanpakuto, which travelled through her and Kenpachi's swords, electrocuting Kenpachi and knocking him out. "Er, wait, shouldn't she have electrocuted herself if they're connected?"

"Yes." Kana groaned and punched the floor angrily. Even though she'd known it was going to happen, actually seeing the Sue defeat Kenpachi was so much worse. Cerrin got her notebook out again and wrote down 'defeating Kenpachi'. She decided not to put it away again, to save some time. After the Sue knocked Kenpachi out she started panicking about having to call Fourth Company.

'_A voice from behind whispered "Is everything alright?"'_

"A voice from behind what?" Cerrin asked as the disembodied voice spoke.

'_Yuka's reactions caused her blade to move right to the anonymous person's neck; he almost fainted. Yuka cocked her head at the shinigami; he had a strange bag tied to his back to show he was from 4th squad. He had big frightened eyes with short blue hair.'_

"It looks like she's trying to hoard semicolons." Kana remarked. "And that shinigami's eyes are frightened." They watched as his eyes cowered in fear from the Sue. "Not that I blame them." Yachiru told the Sue that Kenpachi would chase her for as long as she lived, (Kana hoped that this would result in the Sue's inevitable death, but she knew that would never happen) and then the Sue asked the shinigami with frightened eyes who he was. He introduced himself as Hanataro.

"Doesn't Hanataro have black hair?" Cerrin asked.

"Yes." Kana said.

'_Yuka sighed; she now has to be on the run nearly every day now… she saw something small and pink go past her. Yuka looked over her shoulder and saw a tiny little pink petal float next to her. More came; Yuka caught one and stared at it. She quickly climbed above the roof to see where the petals were coming from; she saw a manor. With a garden that had trees growing Chinese bellflowers. Yuka looked left to right; no one was around; she went into the garden and stood underneath the tree. She smiled. It was a long time since she had seen one of these.'_

"Stop using semicolons; they're not necessary." Kana muttered as they followed her, using Generic Shrubbery for cover. "Crap, now I'm doing it as well. And ugh, the tense changes…"

"Can I add 'breaking and entering into someone's house'?" Cerrin asked.

"Go ahead."

'_Yuka was watching the tree with such awe she didn't notice Byakuya was watching her.'_

"And he was thinking 'I must call security, there is an intruder in my garden'." Kana said, and laughed quietly. "There's a chapter change soon, the scene just carries on though. Cerrin, get back down, she'll spot you." Cerrin glared at the Sue and ducked behind a shrub.

"Not while she's entranced by that tree." She whispered, and folded her arms. "Huh? Flowers don't make you glow." She said, watching as the Sue looked at some flowers and her face started glowing.

"Apparently, these do." Kana looked at the Sue. Her face was glowing bright pink like a fluorescent light. "And Byakuya is acting very out of character. I don't think he'd tolerate someone randomly deciding to hop over the wall of his manor and prance around his garden." Cerrin pointed the CAD at Byakuya.

[Out of Character 34.67

"No character rupture yet." Cerrin said.

"Not ye-aaagh!" The two of them were suddenly flung forward by an unforeseen scene change. "Doesn't this girl know how to change scenes?"

"I don't think so." Cerrin groaned and got up. They were standing in a Generic Room, where Yuka, Byakuya, Ikkaku, Yumichika and Yamamoto were talking. Luckily they'd landed behind the Sue, so they quietly walked out of the room and hid behind the door, watching.

'_You've got to be joking." Moaned Yuka.'_

"That's funny; I've been thinking that the whole time." Kana remarked.

'_Byakuya Kuchiki, Yuka, Ikkaku and Yumichika were chosen to go on a mission to kill some hollows at the Human world in Edo. (Japan)'_

"Edo?" Kana stared at the Words, her expression one of incredulous amazement. "When is this story set?"

"Apparently not long before the main storyline." Cerrin told her. "Didn't you see that on the mission briefing?"

"Yes, but here's the thing. There is no place called Edo in Japan. Tokyo used to be called Edo but its name was changed in 1868."

"Wait, are we back in time now?"

"Evidently, the Suethor must think Edo is a place in Japan in the present day." Kana sighed. "Why does no one do research before writing?"

"If they did there'd be less badfic and we'd have less work."

"Cerrin, that would be a **good** thing." They watched as Byakuya and the Sue got their gigai and selected their clothes to wear in the human world. The Sue was given a bag of clothes to choose from. She picked a small tank top and mini skirt to wear, and then complained that the clothes were too revealing.

"You picked them." Kana glared at her. "There's a big bag there, pick something else then."

The scene shifted again with no mention in the Words; Kana and Cerrin were flung into the human world with not so much as a 'they went through the Senkaimon' to move the story along. Cerrin got up and rubbed her bottom.

"Owch."

"That... hurt." Kana growled. She'd done a faceplant into a pavement. She got up and rubbed her grazed nose.

_To make things faster the four decided to split into two groups. Ikkaku and Yumichika went south; Byakuya and Yuka went east. They were suddenly surrounded by a group of hollows._

"Can't they just look at their phones to see where they are?" Cerrin asked Kana as they trailed Byakuya and the Sue. "And how can two high ranked shinigami suddenly be surprised by hollows?"

"If the hollows could suppress their reiatsu, they'd have to be Aizen's experimental hollows. If they were, it's possible that they wouldn't be able to find them easily." Kana said. "Such great description! You can really feel the tension here." There was no description of the hollows or what they did whatsoever, resulting in very bland, blurry hollow shapes running around, doing nothing. She laughed again as she noticed that the two of them were still in their gigai. The author hadn't written about them leaving their gigai. Trying to fight in a skirt and tank top was not advisable. Silly Sue.

"_Hey; Kuchiki; do you want a competition to see who can defeat the most hollows?" Yuka asked._

"_I do not play such petty games like that." Byakuya said coldly._

"He's slightly more in character now, thankfully." Kana said. The Sue released her zanpakuto. In addition to having an electric current going through the blade, her zanpakuto made storm clouds gather. Kana looked at the Words. She read that ' the weather went black' and there was a loud thunderclap, but no lightning. The whole sky went completely black, including the clouds.

"Shouldn't there be lightning if there's thunder?" Cerrin asked.

"Yes."

"So why isn't there-?"

"Sue logic. Stop asking questions and write that as a charge."

"Um, the whole sky is black." Cerrin looked around. "Not just the clouds..."

"The Suethor wrote that the weather went black, without realising that weather is a term for all atmospheric conditions, not just the clouds."

_Byakuya watched her in amazement; her skills almost matched captain level; to have a soul slayer to change the weather even; Byakuya knew only of Captain Hitsugaya of 10th squad to have done that._

"I'm quite certain that most powerful elemental zanpakuto can affect the weather. Let's see, Yamamoto's does, and I'd imagine that Ukitake's and Kyoraku's would, given their presumed elements." Kana mused.

"She's just making herself look 'speshul' and showing off to Byakuya." Cerrin huffed and folded her arms.

"Stop sulking. And brace yourself, there's going to be a sudden scene change again." Kana said, having read ahead in the Words. Byakuya killed the rest of the hollows and then the Sue asked him to take her to dinner. He agreed, and the story snapped to a Generic Restaurant. Kana and Cerrin quickly hid behind a seating booth and watched the Sue eat.

_'Yuka ate two small bowls of mushroom soup; then a large dish of sushi; one large bowl ramen; four helpings of rice with seaweed; fried tofu and spicy vegetable soup; then some wasabi. She even went into dessert and asked for three helpings of fried ice cream.'_

"Ugh." Kana stared at the Sue. "That's not possible."

"That's really gross..." Cerrin watched as the Sue ate and ate. After eating all that food, her stomach had expanded so much that she looked like she was pregnant.

"I bet if we took her to the Reality Room her stomach would rupture." Kana remarked. "What do you think?"

"I think I'm going to be sick." Cerrin covered her eyes with her hands and turned away from the spectacle and clutched her own stomach. "Eurgh." She groaned, trying to keep it down. Kana patted her on the back and watched the Sue eat. Byakuya was sat across the table from her. He looked as embarrassed and disgusted as you'd expect. The only thing keeping him from getting up and leaving was Yuka's Sue-thrall. They talked, and the Sue mentioned that her father had tried to throw her out once. Byakuya stopped eating when he heard this (Kana thought it was a marvel that he was keeping his dinner down after watching the Sue eat) and looked surprised.

"I'd throw my kids out if they ate enough to feed the Von Trapp family every meal." Kana muttered. "Good grief."

"Has she stopped?" Cerrin whimpered, slowly turning around.

"You can relax now, they're leaving."

_When Yuka and Byakuya went out of the shop and heard a familiar voice "Well, isn't tonight a beautiful night."_

"...They did what?" Cerrin asked. "Shouldn't there be more after that?" Kana shook her head as she and Cerrin followed them. Ikkaku and Yumichika were walking up to them. Ikkaku was injured and having to use Yumichika for support, and not looking very happy about it either.

"If Ikkaku and Yumichika were fighting hollows, the reiatsu in that would be off the charts, and Byakuya would definitely have sensed it and come to help. I hate Sues and their warped logic."

"_What the heck happened to you?"_

"_Adjuchas; and a lot of them."_

_(Adjuchas are hollows but are more smarter than Menos Grande)_

"More smarter..." Cerrin laughed.

"Looks like someone didn't do their research." Kana said.

"I thought they were just stronger and smarter than Menos Grande?" Cerrin asked as the two of them followed the Sue and the shinigami retinue, making sure to keep a good distance.

"They are, but it's more complicated than that. Think about it. One Menos Grande is a huge emergency for Soul Society, but in this fic several Adjuchas are attacking and there's only four shinigami, only one of whom is a captain, fighting them? There's lack of logic, and then there's just plain stupidity." Kana motioned to Cerrin to follow her as the Sue confronted the Adjuchas, who had no description other than being 'a large creature'.

"'A large creature'. Amazing description." Kana remarked sarcastically. "You know, I'm wondering how this crap got so many reviews."

"When did they leave Ikkaku at a hospital?" Cerrin asked, looking at the Words. "It wasn't mentioned."

"Bad writing. They wouldn't take him to a human hospital." Kana said. "Like he'd let them take him there anyway."

_In the middle of the fight; Yuka's left eye began to blur.' _Part of the Sue's face became grey and blurry, like it was covered in fog. _-, Do I have to have it now! Her left eye soon became nothing but darkness but she also saw an adjuchas pulling some source of energy all into his arm and…_

"Then he hit the Sue with a cero blast and she died. The end!" Cerrin chirped.

"Her eye is darkness. That's actually very creepy." Kana said. The Sue had a black hole where her eye was supposed to be.

"_Damn it!" Yuka charged towards where Byakuya was; she only just in time pushed him to the ground then an adjuchas fired a large white laser into Yuka's body which ran round her body like a circuit._

"Cero is **red**!" Kana sighed and smacked the wall with her fist, then decided it wasn't enough and smacked her head in the wall instead. "And it does not run around someone's body like a circuit, it just blasts them… why do I even bother?" Cerrin decided to ignore her and instead watched Byakuya kill the rest of the hollows by himself. Yumichika just stood around, looking like he wasn't sure why he was even there. When the fight was over he picked up the Sue and said he would take her to hospital. Kana looked up from her head banging. "They would not take her to a human hospital. Gah!"

"What about Ryuken's hospital?"

"Eh, he wouldn't treat a shinigami. Isshin is just a normal human at this point. And we're not even in Karakura; we're in 'Edo'."

"True." Cerrin sighed. "Um, that looks odd."

"What does?"

"The words, they're saying that-" She didn't manage to finish her sentence before they were flung forward again. Kana fell onto a tiled floor and Cerrin landed on top of her.

"Where are we?"

"Generic hospital. Get off me." Kana said, and groaned angrily. Cerrin got up and stumbled a little. "That's enough. We're going to the next chapter."

"There's a Truth or Dare game in it." Cerrin whispered, and covered her eyes.

"We'll cope." Kana got up and brushed her clothes down. "We have to."

"Why is this fic so much worse than the other one?" Cerrin sighed and leaned against a Generic Wall.

"You think this is bad? Try reading some of the mission archives. Or the Legendary Badfic."

"No, I like ice cream and lavender and I really don't want to be put off them." Cerrin said.

"My guess is that the Sunflower Official gave us an easy first mission so he could wring a little more work out of us before we went completely insane. Come on, let's not hang around here." Cerrin nodded, and followed Kana as the Words swirled around them and they went ahead to Chapter 3: The Dare Game. They ended outside a Generic Room in a Generic Area of the Thirteen Guard Companies. Yet again, there was no setting or exposition whatsoever.

"_Let's play a game of Truth or Dare!" Declared Yachiru._

"The Suethor picked the only person in the canon who would actually suggest playing it whilst sober. She earns a zillionth of a point." Kana said, reading the words. "We know who Baldie and Yumi are. We don't need to be told. Actually, I meant to tell you earlier, Cerrin. Put 'inserting pointless author's notes into the story' onto the charge list.

"We could just skip the whole chapter." Cerrin whispered. "Please? Pretty please?"

"Hand me your notepad and I'll make notes from the Words." Kana said. Cerrin gave her the book and her pen. "Thank you. Now, there are a few good charges in this chapter, let's just skip to the part where they make Byakuya join in." Cerrin groaned. "Oh hush."

"It's not so bad I guess." Cerrin said, and read the words as they portalled forward. "Just standard dare stuff... wait! She's hugging him?"

"It was a dare, apparently. And Byakuya does not blush that easily."

"If she kisses him I'll stab her."

"Can't you be patient?"

"No!" Cerrin hissed. Kana ignored her and opened her canvas bag.

"Let's occupy ourselves for a while. I have some trail mix." She pulled a paper bag out, and then rummaged around for her deck of cards. "Do you know how to play Egyptian Rat-screw?"

---

Cerrin did not know how to play Egyptian Rat-screw; in fact she was quite bad at all of the card games Kana had attempted to teach her, so in the end it had come to…

"Snap!" Cerrin smacked her hand down on the pile and grinned. "I win again."

"Yes, you did." Kana said, not even looking as she placed her cards down. "Looks like the dare game is getting more interesting." She commented before eating a handful of trail mix.

"Why is the Sue trying hold hands with Byakuya?" Cerrin asked looked in through the window.

"Yachiru dared them to do it. Heh, she's pretending that she doesn't want to do it."

"He's refusing to do it!" Cerrin whispered, and then smiled. "Yay!"

"Not so fast..."

"_Then we'll spread word you got afraid to do a simple dare." Yachiru answered. Everyone knew how Byakuya protected his pride for the Kuchiki family. His hand reached closer to Yuka._

"He's playing Truth or Dare with a group of lower ranked officers. I'd say his Kuchiki pride is pretty much gone by now." Kana whispered. Cerrin was seething and gripping the handle of her katana tightly. "Oh, calm down. It gets worse." Cerrin sighed and let go of her sword. "Oh, the Sue's still complaining about it. Write that down." The game progressed, and after ten minutes, Cerrin had won several more games of Snap and the game was over. Kana packed up her things and watched the scene. All the shinigami who had been taking part got up and left. Kana observed their expressions; they all looked confused and unsure why they had been playing a silly game. Byakuya and the Sue tried to let go of each other's hands, but were somehow stuck together. The explanation given was baffling to say the least.

"How the hell could Yachiru, of all people, use a kido that a captain couldn't break?" Kana looked at the sight in disbelief. "There's lack of logic, and then there's just stupidity." They followed the Sue and Byakuya as they walked around waiting for the spell to wear off. Byakuya's expression was a mixture of annoyance and disbelief. Cerrin and Kana felt pretty much the same. After a long while of this, the Sue came up with an idea.

_There was only one option; they had to sleep together._

"Gyuaah!"

"Binding spell number one: Restrain." Kana intoned, and the spell restrained Cerrin from running up to the Sue and disembowelling her.. Cerrin fell to the floor and rolled around, struggling and trying to break the kido.

"It's not that simple to break, you know."

"I'm going to kill her! Kill her dead!" Cerrin snarled.

"We have to charge her first, idiot."

"Well let's do it now!"

"We can't. Byakuya may be trying to hard hold on to his character, but the influence of the Sue is strong. He'll likely attack us if we try to kill her, and she's strong as well. We have to bide our time and strike when we can."

"Hmm."

"I'll let you kill her." Kana said.

"Really?" Cerrin gasped. Kana nodded. "Yes!" Kana sighed and released the binding spell.

"Keep calm." Kana said. "We're nearly at the next chapter." The scene changed and they were in chapter four, where gossip was spreading that Byakuya and the Sue had hugged and spent the night together.

"That's probably the only logical thing that's happened in the fic." Kana said. "But of course, no one does anything about it, least of all their families. Looks like I spoke too soon."

_Even though Yuka was one herself; she hated nobles; they were all stuck up and care only for their pride. Byakuya actually had some human feelings there. She was sure of it._

"Bad grammar. And yes, she's so special. She's a noble who hates how stuck up the rest of them are." Kana sighed. Renji walked past them and the Sue ran straight up to him and asked him where he was going.

"_To the Human world, Rukia hasn't been back in a month and Captain Kuchiki and I are going to see what's wrong."_

"No, they were going to retrieve her. Renji knew that." Kana said.

"When did Rukia go on the mission? I don't recall seeing that in the words."

"I think it was there, just glossed over in favour of hijinks."

_Soon Yuka went walked back into her room; she felt dizzy and sick. Her left eye began to sting like mad; she saw Jinbando fighting a shinigami with a huge soul slayer like her's; next to him was three humans and a black cat. The image blanked and then she saw Ichimaru Gin release his soul slayer at Jinbando who half opened the gate to Seireitei; his huge body was knocked backwards by force and beneath him were a bunch of kids who only just came out… Yuka went out unconscious._

"Jinbando? What the hell?" Cerrin said. "That's not even a typo, the letters are in a completely different order!"

"Ugh, just my luck. A mini-Menos."

"A what?"

"A mini-Menos." Cerrin looked blank. "Don't you remember anything you were taught?" Kana asked. Just as she did, a small Menos Grande popped into existence about three feet away from them. It was roughly around the size of a Labrador, and it growled quietly as it floated around. "Minis are created when writers misspell canon names. They correspond to the canon they're in, and are usually mini versions of canonical creatures. Thus, the Bleachverse has mini-Menos."

"Aw, it's cute." Cerrin said, kneeling down to pet it. Jinbando let out a quiet 'rawr' and nuzzled her hand.

"I hate the damned things."

"Should we bring it with us?"

"We have to. They tend to follow agents, so don't worry about losing it."

"Come on Jinbando, let's go kill a Sue." Cerrin giggled and picked Jinbando up. "Good boy!"

"You're very strange, Cerrin." Kana said. "Agh!" The scene suddenly shifted again, sending the three of them flying into a Generic Shrub outside of Fourth Division. "I am really, really getting tired of this." Kana said as she picked leaves out of her hair. Jinbando wriggled out of Cerrin's grip and stood watching the two of them. They stood up and looked in the window. They watched Kira and Hinamori tending to the Sue. Her vision of the future had made her pass out and she'd been taken to Fourth Company. "Write down 'having extrasensory perception' on the charge list. That's not a canonical ability." Kira and Momo told her that Rukia had been brought back and was awaiting execution. The writer hadn't said which if them had said it, so they both spoke at the same time. It was fairly amusing. The Sue shoved Kira out of the room, got dressed and asked Momo which cell Rukia was in. Momo told her Rukia was in 'cell thirty-eight', despite the canon trying to assert that Rukia was being held in Sixth Company's holding cells.

"It's trying, bless it. Poor canon." Cerrin said and picked up Jinbando as they followed the Sue towards the prison block that had suddenly appeared in the middle of Seireitei. On her way there, the Sue bumped into Renji, who told her not to try and save Rukia because 'the court of pure souls' had decided it.

"She means Central Forty Six." Kana told Cerrin, who looked confused. "The Court of Pure Souls is the translation of Seireitei." The Sue then ran to the West Gate (it wasn't written in the text, but that was where 'Jinbando' and the 'ryokya' were, so the scene shifted to the West Gate). "She didn't even **need** to intervene there! Ichigo and everyone else survived and got through by themselves eventually."

"She's showing off." Cerrin muttered and held Jinbando tightly. The mini wriggled a bit and growled.

_Yuka went through another exit and looked at the front entrance where Jinbando was attacking a dandelion head shinigami. Yuka frowned; she never seen him before. The humans were there the cat… it was happening too fast; Jinbando opened the gate suddenly he got pushed out by a large force; Yuka spotted the children._

"Write down 'crimes against the English language'." Kana groaned. "Ugh, it's terrible." Cerrin let go of Jinbando and got out her notebook. "And also, put 'taking over canon characters' scenes'." Cerrin scribbled it down quickly and the two of them ducked behind a Generic Building and peeked around the corner to watch the scene unfold.

"Ichigo looks different." Cerrin said. "He has a dandelion flower for a head…"

"Ah yes, the description said he was a 'dandelion head shinigami'."

_The humans and the shinigami looked behind Jinbando's body and saw Yuka still holding the weight of Jinbando's back._

"Gah…" Kana stared at the Sue, completely at a loss for words.

"That's not even… how is she… bwuh?" Cerrin wasn't much better. They watched the gate fall, and skipped through the words to outside the Seireitei's wall. After a brief conversation with the 'ryokya', the Sue ran back into Seireitei. Yes, just like that.

_Yuka ran back into Seireitei. Towards where Rukia was kept._

"How the hell did she do that without using the gate?" Cerrin looked bewildered.

"I have no idea." Kana replied. "This is getting worse the longer we're in it. Hurry, we need to find a good moment to strike. Let's skip ahead. She has a short conversation with Rukia, then she goes to the Kuchiki mansion to yell at Byakuya." Kana pressed a button on her remote activator and they portalled forward to the scene after that, where Byakuya was speaking to his advisors at the Kuchiki mansion.

_Byakuya was sat on the floor in front of five elders. One who was his teacher; the others were advisors who served under the Kuchiki family._

"_Byakuya Kuchiki; we are here to discuss something." Said 1. (I'm just going to name these people 1-5; number 3 is the teacher)_

"It would take hardly any time to find a list of names and just give them all simple names! You don't refer to people by numbers. And why are they telling him he should get remarried now, of all the inconvenient times? What a useless bunch of advisers… why are you giggling?" Kana stopped ranting and turned to look at Cerrin.

"They said number two." She sniggered, rubbing Jinbando on the head. Kana rolled her eyes and decided to ignore her and focus on the mission. She heard a loud yell from somewhere nearby.

"_THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR! TO TALK TO KUCHIKI ABOUT RUKIA'S EXECUTION!!!!"_

The Sue had arrived. Kana decided to ignore the stupid use of all capital letters for now, there were more pressing matters at hand.

"Hurry Cerrin, we have to note down the charges." Kana grabbed the giggling redhead's hand and dragged her along, following Byakuya to the entrance of the mansion.

"_Kuchiki! There you are! I need to talk to you about something."_

"_There is nothing to discuss, leave." Byakuya stated._

Cerrin silently cheered and Kana shook her head. The Sue yelled at Byakuya some more and stormed off, leaving Byakuya looking slightly confused.

"That girl is strange." He muttered. "I can't shake this feeling that there's something wrong…"

"Poor Byakuya." Cerrin whispered, and let go of Jinbando. "I'm going to go talk to him." She got up and walked over to him.

"No, Cerrin, you're not supposed to talk to the cano- get off my bag you little freak!" Jindanbo was biting Kana's bag, trying to get to the trail mix inside. Kana tried to yank the bag out of his mouth whilst trying to chase after Cerrin, but she wasn't having much luck. "Stop!"

"Um… C-captain Kuchiki?" Cerrin stammered and bowed her head. He turned around and glared at her.

"Who are you?"

"Er…" Cerrin couldn't think what to say next. Kana considered using kido on Cerrin, but didn't fancy having to explain it to a captain. Stupid agents were one thing, but stupid Agents in the vicinity of their Lust Objects were harder to deal with. She yanked her bag harder, trying to rip it away from Jinbando. 

"I'll give you the damn snack, just let me get my neuralyser!" The mini growled and shook it's head. "Oh, you want to play like that, huh?" Kana drew her sword. "Back! Away! Shoo!" Jinbando growled nervously and let go of the bag. "Good little freakish thing… eugh, Menos saliva…"

"I'd just like to say that I think that girl was really out of order yelling at you like that sir and I'm… uh…" Cerrin stared up at Byakuya's face. "And…" She flung her arms around Byakuya, much to his surprise. "I won't let that Sue get you!" Kana stopped dead still as Byakuya looked past Cerrin and at her. And Jindanbo. His eyes narrowed and he glared at her.

"What exactly are you girls doing?" Kana tried to think of a plausible explanation, but couldn't bring one to mind.

"Oh, fuck it." Kana closed her eyes and pulled a small device out of her bag. "Close your eyes Cerrin!" She yelled as a bright flash of light enveloped them all.


End file.
